I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize