I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
