why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
