Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
