I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
