dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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