My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
