You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
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Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
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I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
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