I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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