i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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