I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
