Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
