Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
