U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
