I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my gift to your gina
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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