Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
whose parrot is this?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
