I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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