Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
