You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
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know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
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when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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