How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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