you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
