i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
this hospital has no fireball
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
