And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
