My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
