And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
