I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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