While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I am available for nakedness
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
