oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
