Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
