I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
