Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
