There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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