i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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