he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
