When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
