Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My vagina just clenched in fear
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
