I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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