I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
