Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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