I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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