rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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