Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
