Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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