when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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