Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize