why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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