you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
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