I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
