69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
