i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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