Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
