Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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