Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
